Baby Steps

And that’s just it.

One day, you wake up. The sunlight leaks through your blinds and your room feels a little bit warmer. Your bed is just a little more comfortable. You stretch, your arms reach high over your head and you let out a big exhale. You collapse them onto the soft comforter, lay there and watch the sun beams dance across your room. Today feels a little more possible. You hurt just a little less. Not leaps, not bounds, its not a magical, instant feeling. Its baby steps. Its self will. Its the you inside yourself that you always knew was there, deep down. You are an incredible spirit of energy, and your vibrations are a choice. This is not a world against you; nor a world for you. It dances beside you in the wind, and you choose whether or not you go with or against the breeze. This is not fast, this is not overnight. It is baby steps. It is growth.

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i feel so different.

I dont recognize the reflection the mirror shows me.

Its weird how you can think youve found exactly what youre looking for, and then suddenly itss taken away and you no longer thought you were the person you thought you finally discovered. Its sick, twisted. I finally become someone i have accepted and then its ripped away from me.

Maybe its wrong of me to want to stay a person whom is always in a drug-induced phase. I cant help it. Im a destructive, selfish person.

I am so broken.

I try indefinitely to remember that to be put back together you must first fall apart. But i feel as though i am a glass pane that has shattered against the floor over and over and over. The shattering has not stopped for one year. I am so broken.

Pretty pinks

One, two, three, four.

I counted them as they fell into the cold palm of my hand. Pretty, they were so pretty. The bright pink was so entailing, i wanted it so bad.

Five, six, seven, eight.

In my mouth, down my throat, i felt a sense of relief overcome my body. What was I doing? I guess i didnt really care. I pretended to be responsible, as if any part of this was okay. I pretended it was not a risk, but truth be told the danger is what made it so attractive. I lived for that rush, always chasing the next high.

oh, oh, oh it feels so good. The endorphins, the serotonin flooded my body in a wave of pink pills. Tingling, rush, sensational happiness. I felt fullfilled. This is what i wanted, right? This was the be all, end all, right? I guessed.

I lay there, pretty pinks float about my mind, my blood, i wanted more. I wanted to reach that peak like the highest mountain top over and over again.

nine, ten.

My skin flushed red, my heart pounding, this cant be wrong, can it? The pretty pink cant lie to me, the milligrams can only make me feel better, right? medicine is suppose to help, help the pain, the aching, all the suffering. Maybe one more will help, maybe two more to feel good, maybe three more to keep the fun going.

one, two, three, four

i cant feel my face anymore. spinning, spinning, the room goes around. I start to feel bad again. I wonder how such a lovely color could do such bad.

five, six, seven, eight

Over done, over heard, overdose.

nine, ten.

i dont wanna do this again.

pieces

I stare at my half illuminated hands in my dark room. The bright computer monitor revealed only myself among the darkness. The clock reads 1:19am, with heavy eyelids and an echoing emptiness inside my room. i can feel my heart pounding, pounding against my chest. soft music plays low, and i find tears streaming down my cheeks. Its so sudden, it comes like a silent train, hitting you hard, making you wish you were dead. suffering, suffering; these thoughts. Why me, what did i do to deserve this, God? I feel overwhelming waves of guilt that numb me, it is my fault. With each second, moment, touch, force, he took a piece of me. like shattered glass, piece by aching piece i fell apart. so many pieces, not all could be put back together. i am not whole.